I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
