OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
