when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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