youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
