wanna go halves on a baby?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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