I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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