The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
