i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
