well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
