I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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