how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
