Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize