Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
