he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
