I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
