oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
