I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
