i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
