he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
