I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
