I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
