HIV tests are more positive than that guy
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
