This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
