Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize