i'm signing you up for texting rehab
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize