I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
