anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
