Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
