sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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