checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
