what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Randomize
