This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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