So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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