Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
