listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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