She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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