well I can't set my house on fire every night
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
