dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
