...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
