Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
