If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
