I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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