I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
