I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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