All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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