Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
