My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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