so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The air was thick with penises
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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