It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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