Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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