you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
