If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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