6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i already hear my dad disowning me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
