What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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