i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
