The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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