Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
