I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
