i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize